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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.