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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.