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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
is here. Now what are your other two wishes?
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
My whole life is based on a true story...