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I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!