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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.