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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
I hope common sense is the next cool trend.
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day