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There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.