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Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.