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Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.