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eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...