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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
What number SPF blocks people?
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...