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That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.