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I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
A leaf blower, but for people.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work