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Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you`re really clingy and annoying
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.