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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
How many V and M can see
NNNNNMNNNNNNNVVWWWWVWWWWW
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…