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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.