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My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
When in doubt, take a nap.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!