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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.