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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know