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This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.