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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
I just found love.....its on page 369 in dictionary
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.