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It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.