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I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
I need a partner in wine.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.