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It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
As an adult, Iām not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver