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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!