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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park