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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.