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When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?