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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.