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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.