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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.