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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.