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Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.