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I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....