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A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.