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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Does this status update make me look fat?
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...