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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone