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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.