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Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if Iām not sure what it means
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?