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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.