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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.