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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.