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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.