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My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.