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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.