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I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.