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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.