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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman