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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.