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Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.