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I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
I dream about naps.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.