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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"