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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?