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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
"Oh!Look The Smurfs Grew Up!"Grandma those are Avatars." -_-