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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.