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This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
I think, therefore i`m single.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....