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How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Ride me like you stole me.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.