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“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
Plan B includes margaritas.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"