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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
No pants are the best pants.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.