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Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?