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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
Warning: I just get weirder.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.