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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, Iām ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
Iām amazed by how quickly I forget what Iām doing.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.