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From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.