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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume