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Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"