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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.