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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.