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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.