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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful