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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops