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Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)