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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.