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10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.