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For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.