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Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?