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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment...
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.