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You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
My life coach just benched me.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.