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A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.