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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.