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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.