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I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.