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Before the internet I used to like people.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.