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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time