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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
my wish for tonight is for the person reading this status to have a Good Night!
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."