Daily Silly Status

Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!

I just called. To say. I texted you.

Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .

I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.

My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.

You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack

Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.

You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.

I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.

When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.

I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.

I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .

My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?

Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.

What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?