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At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.