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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
The wet spot in my bed is tears
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.