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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"