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I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!