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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.