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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.