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Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
My anger management class pisses me off
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there`d be one less blogger.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally