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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.