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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.