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Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.