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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.