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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
i feel naked without my mobile !
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
I have a black belt in leather
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.