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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.