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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks