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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. Iām starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out Iām not fat. Iām a panda.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, Iām really disappointed with Bill Gates.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!