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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
My memory foam has amnesia
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.