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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
You look like I need another drink
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.