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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.