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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"