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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....