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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.