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You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
I`m single by choice. Just not my choice.