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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
All milk is breast milk.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!