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One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.