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I just made you think of an elephant
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?