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Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
Mom in poetic mood ....Asked me to express emptiness .... I showed her my wallet ........ n m cheek still burns .... :-p :-p
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house