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One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.