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Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.