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Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it