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SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
God is creative... I mean look at me??
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
My life is loosely based on a true story.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman