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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.