Daily Silly Status

Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.

Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.

My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.

The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn

Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.

I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability

Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.

I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"

I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.

There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.

B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?

My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.

There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.