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Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.