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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.