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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.