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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.