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Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out