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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Do bees even have knees?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.