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I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.