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I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.