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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”