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I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.